Draco Malfoy and the Days his Father Will Hear About
by JammyWammy
Summary: Depicts the everyday misadventures of Draco Malfoy inside Hogwarts from his point of view, from his very first year onwards. Full of humor, lots of swearing in British and just plain fun. And occasional humiliating events for the blonde Slytherin we all love to hate. Eventual Draco x Hermione


**Warning: This is a humor fic with foul language, especially in later chapters.**

**Eventual Draco x Hermione**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. Belongs to JK Rowling.**

**Chapter 1:**

**Is it blonde or platinum?**

"Crabbe, are you a dementor or something? You slurp that soup like you're feasting on its soul you fat bastard." Eleven-year-old Draco Malfoy snapped at the person sitting on his right, his hard eyes especially landing at the pouted lips of Vincent Crabbe as he loudly slurped his soup from his spoon. The said person swallowed a mouthful of the savory liquid before he turned to look at the blonde, then he visibly pouted again like an offended five-year-old girl. "Speaking of soul-sucking bastards." Draco started, ignoring the ghastly look on Crabbe's face, he jerked his head at the direction of the Gryffindor table, where a certain glasses-wearing, dark-haired boy sat with his friends, eating away like a savage that he is because he literally hasn't eaten in weeks, thanks to his caretakers, the Dursleys, the occasional starvation had taken its toll on the Boy-Who-Lived.

Draco grimaced, disgusted at the lack of manners.

"Why did he have to show up during my year? And how dare he refuse my offer to be friends. Completely mental, that _Potter_. Choosing the hideous freckle-faced Weasel boy over me, the _dashing_ son of the Malfoy house." He raised one eyebrow to his friends to show off his pretty face while they gaped at him, then he clicked his tongue impatiently. "And the moment he stepped in this castle every soul in this hell hole submitted themselves to _oh holy Potter_." He said the last three words in a higher pitch with his body wiggling like a flabberworm. Crabbe, and his other friend, Gregory Goyle looked at each other then guffawed, bits of food spraying from their mouths towards Draco Malfoy's face. Draco was startled at the food chunks being sprayed projectile to his direction, then stood up while furiously wiping the chunky deliciousness away. The sound of palms hitting flesh echoed on the Slytherin table as he loudly smacked both the back of their heads in outrage.

"Sorry 'bout that." Goyle said while he winced at the pain of his head.

"Bloody fucking gits!" Draco almost shrieked like a spoiled little brat that he is, earning him looks from the Slytherin table.

"No swearing allowed in this castle especially underage wizards. I'll have to ask Professor Snape to put you in detention, Mr. Malfoy." The head boy who was surprisingly just behind him said as he walked by with a bored voice. Draco's nostrils flared up and his eyes hardened at the head boy. He then folded his arms together with his chin up, trying to make his tiny eleven-year-old self look intimidating as much as he can but failing miserably. He thought he heard 'awww' on the other side of the table which made him pout cutely instead. The head boy merely stared at him with a bored face while Crabbe and Goyle stirred at their seats uncomfortably.

_Oh boy oh boy... Here it comes, I'd rather shut up if I were you. You don't want to be in even more trouble-_

"My father will hear about this!" Draco squeaked with finality, his voice cracking.

_There we go._

_Shut up!_ Draco said to his inner self.

You see, Draco Malfoy has a habit of speaking to himself, it was rather infuriating to his mother for she thought her son was slowly going mental when he'd mistakenly answer his own thoughts aloud.

"Yes, I'll make sure to write to your father, _Malfoy_." The head boy said with a slight smirk, satisfaction clearly etched on his face. Draco cast him a look of absolute atrocity.

"You will not dare, piece of sh-"

"THAT-" Severus Snape, head of the Slytherin house, appeared behind him this time making him jump. "must be ceased, Draco, you will come into my office and we'll have a little chat about your... Behavioral problems." He said slowly then hastily turned around to leave, his greasy hair swaying in all directions.

Draco stared wide-eyed at Snape's retreating back. He felt attacked and he was utterly displeased. He was the Malfoy son for Merlin's sake.

He had been treated like a prince in his own house, in the ancient manor of the Malfoys where he grew up. He was spoiled rotten by his dear pureblood parents since he was an only child and that gave him a false sense of entitlement. He had expected the treatment to be the same in Hogwarts but he was wrong. He angrily sat back to the bench between Crabbe and Goyle and began sulking, he rested his cheek in his palm with his elbow on the table. Just then, a girl his age decided to push Goyle aside making him yelp then she slid beside the blonde, she was batting her eyelashes at him but he took no notice, she then cleared her throat and that's when Draco turned to look at the pug face of Pansy Parkinson.

"Hello, Draco." She said in a tiny, cutesy voice that didn't suit her it was almost illegal.

"Hello Pansy," Draco said with a sigh. "What do you want?" He said irritably but Pansy just giggled behind her hand.

"I saw you back there, you were so brave. Standing up to that head boy like that." She said with her eyes greedy as she stared at him which creeped the blonde out a little.

"I uh... Yeah." He said perplexed then rapidly shook his head. "That's because I'm Draco Freaking Malfoy." He said with an arrogant scoff. "They should know they shouldn't mess with me or my father-"

His inner self laughed.

"-will hear about it." He said with a smug face, ignoring the taunting laugh from deep within.

"Oh, Draco..." Pansy said while batting her eyelashes at him again but he was not having it. He inwardly grimaced then looked ahead instead, in the direction of the Gryffindor table, that is. He saw the muggle-born Hermione Granger going over a book with Ronald Weasley munching loudly beside her. She cast him a furious look before she hit his cheek with the back of her hand, clearly irritated. Harry Potter splashed pumpkin juice from his mouth from laughing at the look of horror from Ron's face. Draco nodded his head in gratitude of the muggle-born, then shook his head rapidly in realization.

_She... She's a mudblood! My father-_

_Hah! So what! You've been watching her for a while now ever since you got here, and just look at her! She's such a cutie patootie-_

_What? A cutie? Have you seen those horrendous two front teeth?_

He felt smug in winning over himself this time. He continued to stare at Hermione's direction, slightly bemused. The Gryffindor girl rolled her eyes before she snapped her heavy book shut, then stood up. His eyes followed her as she stormed out of the Great Hall, her bushy hair swaying everywhere.

"Ridiculous." Draco said at once which caught his friends off guard.

"What is it Draco?" Pansy asked cutely but it was cringey it made him internally scream.

"A mudblood having a brain the size of this castle, who does she think she is?" He said in a tone full of disdain.

"You talking 'bout that Granger girl?" Goyle asked. Draco sneered before he answered.

"Yeah, who else would it be?" He snapped at Goyle.

Pansy started sniffing his robes so hard that her nostrils were closing up, Draco was taken aback by the desire she was displaying and promptly stood up to get away from the greedy Slytherin girl.

"You don't need to think about her, I'm loads better than her in every way, Draco." She said sweetly which caused hair on his nape to shot up.

"Blimey, look at the time! It's almost charms class." Draco said in one breath then he started darting away towards the Great Hall entrance, leaving his friends looking perplexed in their seats. He can hear his inner self laughing at his expense.

"Draco w-wait! Your hair! Is it blonde or platinum?!" Pansy inquired loudly at his retreating back. He ignored her and just continued sprinting away.

_Why did you avoid that Pansy girl, she clearly has a cute little crush on you-_

_Shut it! Don't-_

_Draco and Pansy sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-_

"SHUT UP!" He bellowed so loud students all around him stared at him in shock. He went from pale as the moon to red as an abused butt cheek in seconds. He hurriedly went past the students in shame. He resisted the urge to scream again when his inner self started laughing maliciously.

_Ha ha ha!_

While he walked as fast as he could on the way to charms, he didn't realize that the bushy-haired Hermione Granger was staring at him with a sour look on her face, her head shaking slightly.

* * *

"We will do a simple but useful levitation spell!" Professor Flitwick squeaked with enthusiasm at his students. "With a wave of your wand, you say, Wingardium Leviosa! Say it with me!"

"Wingardium Leviosa." Everyone said.

"Good good, now everyone hold into your wands and try to lift up that feather using the spell."

Draco stared at his feather but did not do as they were told. He simply watched the rest of their class and their pathetic attempts to levitate their own feathers. He heard an explosion from the now scorched feather of Seamus Finnigan, Dean Thomas' wand started sprinkling glitters instead and he didn't know how Neville Longbottom's wand tip ended up in his nostrils. Draco's eyes immediately landed on Hermione's unkempt mane when he heard her arguing with a red faced Ronald Weasley.

"What is it now?!" Ron said with his voice cracking as he was reaching puberty. Hermione visibly scoffed then spoke.

"It's Levi-OSA, not Levio-SA."

Draco rolled his eyes at the know-it-all and muttered 'pathetic' under his breath, but his eyes immediately widen when he saw her feather levitating in the air, she was the first in the class to do it, everyone in class stared in awe and it triggered something inside him.

_How dare you mudblood!_

Just then, he lifted his wand not towards his own feather, but to Hermione's hair then said the enchantment. To his surprise, her bushy hair shot upwards to the shock of everyone. Draco slowly sported an evil grin.

"My hair! Who's doing this?!" Hermione shrieked. The Slytherin kids started laughing and Pansy Parkison shrieked in delight. Ron Weasley stared with his mouth wide open, torn between helping her and just staring at her. Harry Potter dived towards her to tame her hair but failing, strands of itchy hair getting inside his nose.

"Now now, class, please cut it out. Draco Malfoy!" Flitwick squeaked at the blond which earned him glares from the Gryffindors in the class. He simply looked smug, not looking at a very furious Hermione. Harry sneezed loudly three times in a row.

"I'm so sorry Professor, my hand slipped towards Granger's hair." He said mockingly with a fake smile. He turned to look at Hermione with her hair bushier than ever and he saw how mad she was, it earned her a nasty smirk from the blond, taunting her, then he wiggled both his eyebrows at direction.

"I love you." He suddenly said that immediately silenced the entire class and it brought him to horrible realization, his face mimicked those shocked ones that stared back at him. He didn't dare to look at Hermione.

_Hah! Idiot! Moron! Troll brain! Bambling baboon!_

"I uhhh, love this class so much!" He said with a nervous laugh then he grabbed his wand. "Swoosh swoosh, ain't that fun?" He can hear his inner self laughing to his heart's content. _I hope you die you piece of shit!_


End file.
